For a while now I have been struggling with anger. Snapping at people I love, not giving myself much of a break when I mess up, and just being generally uninterested in my life as a whole. I was walking into church this morning and that familiar still small voice said, "The person you have been disgusted with is yourself."
A while ago I asked God to show me who I really was. Dangerous prayer right? But I realized that I was buying into the hype of "Ina the saint" or "Ina the righteous" way too much and before the infamous pride-fall I wanted to be checked. But what God began to reveal to me, or in me, wasn't evil, it was broken. There were/are a million cracks in my heart. Places where time or circumstances or people (including me) have chipped away at me. They rattled me until I began to harden a bit to prevent future cracks.
I know what you're thinking, "Uh, this is a little deep for a Sunday afternoon read." Well hold on to your coffee and throw pillow cause it gets deeper. That was only the fist layer.
Recently God has been revealing the truth about my natural nature. That was even worse. These are things that I am naturally disposed to doing; being passive aggressive and saying hurtful things, or leaving work for someone else to do simply because I don't feel like doing it, pushing people away, hiding within myself because talking about what I am feeling is too complicated or messy. When I saw these things I saw the parts of myself I had been avoiding for so long. The parts that made it easier to buy the hype.
There was no hiding from it anymore. No way that I could push these things away and hope that I could forget them. Seriously, where do you hide from yourself? You could however, if you are used to the standard way of thinking, attempt to punish yourself for your shortcomings by closing yourself off from the things and people that you love most. Not too much of course, but just enough to feel the weight of your failures and "properly repent" for them.
This brings me back to today. I'm walking into church and realizing that even though I didn't consciously make these decisions, it is how I have been living for...I don't know how long. Well as a believer in Jesus and adopted daughter of the living God this will never do. There are three things I have to learn and remember:
1 The things that were revealed about my condition and my nature are all true. I'm absolutely a mess...on my own
2 I'm not on my own anymore. The moment I said "Jesus, I need you and want you in my heart and in my life." I became part of a very powerful family. The hosts of Heaven conspire to protect me, even from myself.
3 The thing about having this knowledge of my shortcomings and God's grace is to not be consumed by focusing on only one part. Yes, I sin and fall short of the glory of God and yes, his grace saves me forever and ever, period. These are non-exclusive truths, one enhances the other.
And then, as He always does, God confirmed our conversation and showed me what to do next, so sweetly might I add.
The sermon: There is a Crack in Everything by David B. Jones
inspired by a song written by Leonard Cohen
Anthem
"forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."
Genius.
In His grace always,
Ina
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