Jesus Girl: a blog by Ina Williams
Monday, September 25, 2017
Jesus Girl Has a New Address!
Jesus Girl has a new address and a new look! Check out the changes for yourself every Friday at jesusgirl.blog.
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
All I Want for Christmas
Do we miss it? Our treasure is often laid in such humble packaging; do we miss it because we are looking for something bigger? Something shinny and bright when often times what saves, what redeems, what heals is small, seemingly insignificant, maybe homeless or broken. It is something the world has forgotten.
Every time I hear Brandon Heath’s Just a Girl tears fill the backs of my eyes and flow with such freedom because I can’t help but think, how many times did I encounter it this year and not notice? Christ’s mercy as a hug from a stranger, His grace as a smile from my little cousins, His love as a trial that made me stronger. It seems so little at the time you’re tempted to pass it by, but there’s a pull somewhere deep in your stomach that says “I know this is something more. I don’t know how, but I know.” That’s what I want this Christmas, the ability to see these moments, these people for what they really are. In real time, right when it’s happening to show the gratitude, joy and delight due to God for them. I want worship, everyday. To be in communion with Him, celebrating all the little, humble, small, seemingly insignificant ways He reveals Himself to us each day. To witness the girl, the babe, the King and give glory to God because finally, I recognize them.
Amen.
Every time I hear Brandon Heath’s Just a Girl tears fill the backs of my eyes and flow with such freedom because I can’t help but think, how many times did I encounter it this year and not notice? Christ’s mercy as a hug from a stranger, His grace as a smile from my little cousins, His love as a trial that made me stronger. It seems so little at the time you’re tempted to pass it by, but there’s a pull somewhere deep in your stomach that says “I know this is something more. I don’t know how, but I know.” That’s what I want this Christmas, the ability to see these moments, these people for what they really are. In real time, right when it’s happening to show the gratitude, joy and delight due to God for them. I want worship, everyday. To be in communion with Him, celebrating all the little, humble, small, seemingly insignificant ways He reveals Himself to us each day. To witness the girl, the babe, the King and give glory to God because finally, I recognize them.
Amen.
Saturday, November 26, 2016
My Friends the Gilmore Girls
When I was in high school I didn’t really have much time to keep up with Gilmore Girls. I mean I watched it but not really consistently, because if I wasn't in rehearsals at school I was in rehearsals outside of school. When I was in neither of those places I was probably performing in one of them. I’m kind of a purist when it comes to film and TV, I believe in watching things in order, if I couldn't do that then I didn't watch at all. For this reason I didn’t really get to completely fall in love with the show till college. A friend bought me a season and I was so hooked after that I ended up buying the entire show on DVD, complete with super cute packing case and book of Gilmorisms (didn't make that up, it's actually called that). I’m glad I started it when I was older though. Somehow I think that some of the subtly of the humor and conflict, would have gone over my head.
Last night, I was able to get together with some of my favorite characters for the first time in over a decade and the timing felt exactly right again. I credit the Palladino’s. I think the reason so many people loved this show, and why so many people will be moved by this new chapter is connection. If you're like me we grew with these characters, laughed, cried, and threw tantrums with them. And as I watched these newest episodes I realized I struggled with them too. Maybe not in the same way at the same time, but I understand what it is to feel lost in your own life. Afraid you’re a ship just floating aimlessly. Wondering if you’re too afraid to admit you’re too afraid to chase after the life you truly want. That’s what this show did, what it’s doing now, it screams “See, you’re not alone.” In fact my aunt used to ask about Rory as if she were one of my classmates. She tracked the year of my graduation from high school and college with her’s. She felt Rory reminded her of me, or I reminded her of Rory (one or the other), that’s how familiar the character felt. How connected people, some of whom didn’t even watch the show consistently, felt to these characters. There is strength in that. Life changing, dream affirming power in helping people know there are people in the world who are just as lost as they are, and have just as much fun and strife finding their way.
Thank you for that Amy Sherman-Palladino,
Ina
Last night, I was able to get together with some of my favorite characters for the first time in over a decade and the timing felt exactly right again. I credit the Palladino’s. I think the reason so many people loved this show, and why so many people will be moved by this new chapter is connection. If you're like me we grew with these characters, laughed, cried, and threw tantrums with them. And as I watched these newest episodes I realized I struggled with them too. Maybe not in the same way at the same time, but I understand what it is to feel lost in your own life. Afraid you’re a ship just floating aimlessly. Wondering if you’re too afraid to admit you’re too afraid to chase after the life you truly want. That’s what this show did, what it’s doing now, it screams “See, you’re not alone.” In fact my aunt used to ask about Rory as if she were one of my classmates. She tracked the year of my graduation from high school and college with her’s. She felt Rory reminded her of me, or I reminded her of Rory (one or the other), that’s how familiar the character felt. How connected people, some of whom didn’t even watch the show consistently, felt to these characters. There is strength in that. Life changing, dream affirming power in helping people know there are people in the world who are just as lost as they are, and have just as much fun and strife finding their way.
Thank you for that Amy Sherman-Palladino,
Ina
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Albums That Are Changing Me: Where The Light Shines Through
That feeling you know a seed must be feeling as it cracks open and the sprout works it's way free. This sounds like that.
Let's unpack that, see what I did there? You know it must be painful, forcing your way through to the light. But the pain has so much purpose that you almost find yourself smiling through it. Pleased to be enduring the process, because anything that hurts this wonderfully must be absolutely worth it.
Switchfoot's Where the Light Shines Through, there is so much here. Beautiful. I never know how scared I am till I hear my courage questioned/encouraged to a fantastic rock soundtrack, and they always deliver. I'm still not over the marvel of Hello Hurricane or the melancholy of Vice Verses (the albums and the songs). I grew up to these albums. Driving down dark two lane roads, weeping. So happy to be free of my sadness. And just like I grew up to those albums, I am growing stronger to this one. Peeling back layers of hurt and static, waving hello again to the dreamer I once knew. She's a little weary, a little worse for the wear, but also a lot better too. After all "the wound is where the light shines through."
Thank you Switchfoot...again,
Ina
Let's unpack that, see what I did there? You know it must be painful, forcing your way through to the light. But the pain has so much purpose that you almost find yourself smiling through it. Pleased to be enduring the process, because anything that hurts this wonderfully must be absolutely worth it.
Switchfoot's Where the Light Shines Through, there is so much here. Beautiful. I never know how scared I am till I hear my courage questioned/encouraged to a fantastic rock soundtrack, and they always deliver. I'm still not over the marvel of Hello Hurricane or the melancholy of Vice Verses (the albums and the songs). I grew up to these albums. Driving down dark two lane roads, weeping. So happy to be free of my sadness. And just like I grew up to those albums, I am growing stronger to this one. Peeling back layers of hurt and static, waving hello again to the dreamer I once knew. She's a little weary, a little worse for the wear, but also a lot better too. After all "the wound is where the light shines through."
Thank you Switchfoot...again,
Ina
Albums That Are Changing Me: Georgica Pond
Without knowing it I’ve spent the better part of the last few years trying hard not to feel, so much. I’m a woman, a believer, and an artist. I feel A LOT and often. It’s one of those things that people who don’t necessarily do, or do anymore, congratulate you on or make you swear not to give up. But these people, even if they’re right and their intentions are pure, they don’t know what they’re asking. It goes far beyond being sad or openly, awkwardly happy. It’s being brave enough to be alone when no one respects, understands, or feels what you feel.
Today, for the first time in a very long time, listening to Johnnyswim’s Georgica Pond I felt justified in feeling- really feeling. Loss, love, hope, friendship, awe and wonder and all of the experiences that bring these treasures they are a gift, and it’s worth it when your heart gets broken because the crack and sting and pang and pinch remind you that you are very much alive. Not feeling, numbness, it is death. And as long as there is air in my lungs, and rhythm in my chest I owe it to my Abba, my ancestors, and myself to live.
Here’s to a life full of feeling. Let it matter.
Ina
Today, for the first time in a very long time, listening to Johnnyswim’s Georgica Pond I felt justified in feeling- really feeling. Loss, love, hope, friendship, awe and wonder and all of the experiences that bring these treasures they are a gift, and it’s worth it when your heart gets broken because the crack and sting and pang and pinch remind you that you are very much alive. Not feeling, numbness, it is death. And as long as there is air in my lungs, and rhythm in my chest I owe it to my Abba, my ancestors, and myself to live.
Here’s to a life full of feeling. Let it matter.
Ina
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Loss
The first time you lose someone it's overwhelming. Like hyperventilating; you try and try to catch your breath but you can't. Only instead of air it's reality you're gasping for. This paralyzing feeling that "This can't be true." This first experience is staggering, it stays with you. Lingers in your mind to help you keep mere sad events in perspective. But over time, as the losses grow in number there begins to be, a weariness. Sadness yes, but so much more than just that. The more people you lose, the more familiar with loss you become, there begins to be a weariness.
I never understood why in movies or on television a man or woman would hear bad news, take a few steps and then collapse. It was a striking image and I could in some small way fathom why having your heartbroken could take the wind from one's sails, literally. But I don't think I fully grasped that kind of tiredness, until tonight. It's almost like being a time traveler feeling loss in three different times. Every loss you felt once springs to mind and suddenly you realize that this loss like the ones before it won't be the last.
To live in this fading world is to lose. Everything about this world is meant to end. This, is not eternity. I think it's something about that realization. Something about feeling all those moments again and for the first time, all at once. Suddenly you're more tired than you've ever been and you just want rest.
For me I've noticed grief comes in waves. I'll bawl for 40 seconds, then there's stillness and calm. I'm almost normal again. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour or a year goes by and all of a sudden I remember the time paradox that is grief. The wave returns, I weep and empty myself out before God. Then calm again. Sometimes He'll distract me with a thought or dream some person whose face in my mind I can't refuse, or memory that tickles me to laughter so loud it breaks through the tears. Sometimes it's a dream that anchors me and keeps me from drifting in the sea of sadness. But He always comes. Reminds me of the joy of this life. How every moment is a gift. One that I should use to honor the lives and dreams and joy of those I lost. Those who can't finish what they started here. So I have to, for them. I owe it to them.
Selah
I never understood why in movies or on television a man or woman would hear bad news, take a few steps and then collapse. It was a striking image and I could in some small way fathom why having your heartbroken could take the wind from one's sails, literally. But I don't think I fully grasped that kind of tiredness, until tonight. It's almost like being a time traveler feeling loss in three different times. Every loss you felt once springs to mind and suddenly you realize that this loss like the ones before it won't be the last.
To live in this fading world is to lose. Everything about this world is meant to end. This, is not eternity. I think it's something about that realization. Something about feeling all those moments again and for the first time, all at once. Suddenly you're more tired than you've ever been and you just want rest.
For me I've noticed grief comes in waves. I'll bawl for 40 seconds, then there's stillness and calm. I'm almost normal again. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour or a year goes by and all of a sudden I remember the time paradox that is grief. The wave returns, I weep and empty myself out before God. Then calm again. Sometimes He'll distract me with a thought or dream some person whose face in my mind I can't refuse, or memory that tickles me to laughter so loud it breaks through the tears. Sometimes it's a dream that anchors me and keeps me from drifting in the sea of sadness. But He always comes. Reminds me of the joy of this life. How every moment is a gift. One that I should use to honor the lives and dreams and joy of those I lost. Those who can't finish what they started here. So I have to, for them. I owe it to them.
Selah
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Stop Where You Are...and Smell the Roses
There's a concept in a new Corinne Bailey Rae song (possibly the whole album) that I hope to discover more of in my own life. The song is called "Stop Where You Are" and what I get from it is the idea of allowing yourself to fully take in the moments, things and people that strike you. Not hanging on exactly, but more like enjoy...no savoring the time however long or little. And I never thought of patience like that, until now.
What if when God whispers to be "Be patient" or "Not yet" it is really an invitation to enjoy, or if I can't because the moment thing or people are not at all enjoyable, embrace or take a break or pause or pray? What if those moments in my life where God demands patience of me aren't about just waiting, not idly? What if I'm there to notice something or pay closer attention to someone. Maybe the pause is just a rest, one I didn't even know I needed. I wouldn't have know either if He hadn't given me a little push. What if patience, is really about worship? Mmmmmm.
Finding that quiet calm inside yourself that whispers "God, I love you," and "Lord, I trust you." Sometimes we forget we know that. Or maybe not forget exactly, it's more like loosing your keys or phone. You know that truth is around here somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it anywhere. Your mind races and you turn the whole house over frantically searching for what you lost. 2 minutes, 2 hrs, or 2 weeks later when your mind is calmer, full of something completely different it happens. Once you've taken a deep breath and retraced your steps, or laughed so hard you forgot what you were looking for, or got lost in blissful thought about something so much more important, then and not a moment before does the thing you were searching for seem to reveal itself to you. Maybe even in a place you "swore you remember looking."
Perhaps in that space between what we long for and the miraculous reveal patience is how we choose to spend that time. Loose yourself in the moment, laugh, meditate on what is truly important and the time will go before you know it, and you will be better for how you spent it.
Thank you God of time and space who is never a second too early or late. Help us to remember Your sovereignty. We needn't fear running out of time when we serve the God who created it. Help us follow your lead in Jesus name, Amen.
What if when God whispers to be "Be patient" or "Not yet" it is really an invitation to enjoy, or if I can't because the moment thing or people are not at all enjoyable, embrace or take a break or pause or pray? What if those moments in my life where God demands patience of me aren't about just waiting, not idly? What if I'm there to notice something or pay closer attention to someone. Maybe the pause is just a rest, one I didn't even know I needed. I wouldn't have know either if He hadn't given me a little push. What if patience, is really about worship? Mmmmmm.
Finding that quiet calm inside yourself that whispers "God, I love you," and "Lord, I trust you." Sometimes we forget we know that. Or maybe not forget exactly, it's more like loosing your keys or phone. You know that truth is around here somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it anywhere. Your mind races and you turn the whole house over frantically searching for what you lost. 2 minutes, 2 hrs, or 2 weeks later when your mind is calmer, full of something completely different it happens. Once you've taken a deep breath and retraced your steps, or laughed so hard you forgot what you were looking for, or got lost in blissful thought about something so much more important, then and not a moment before does the thing you were searching for seem to reveal itself to you. Maybe even in a place you "swore you remember looking."
Perhaps in that space between what we long for and the miraculous reveal patience is how we choose to spend that time. Loose yourself in the moment, laugh, meditate on what is truly important and the time will go before you know it, and you will be better for how you spent it.
Thank you God of time and space who is never a second too early or late. Help us to remember Your sovereignty. We needn't fear running out of time when we serve the God who created it. Help us follow your lead in Jesus name, Amen.
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Pain as Progress
So I started excising again this week! When I went to sit down today I felt that sore shakiness in my legs, arms and back. I really missed that. The soreness. My friend Salone and I used to have this running joke as dancers, "Ah, hurts so good." But today I understood that pain is a return on an investment.
That soreness the day after my hour of Yoga or Pilates it's a receipt for a deposit I made in my life for myself. Feeling it is proof that I worked, that I tried. Even if I didn't get every move right or couldn't hold every pose, or I could only do 10 of the 20 crunches I showed up. I gave all I could. And now my muscles are saying "Woo! That was crazy! But thank you." One day every place that is sore will be stronger, healthier, and glowing with gratitude for the work.
There is this thing one of my yoga videos says and I love hearing it, because every time I do I realize how important it is in every area, not just exercise.
"Honor your effort to come to your practice today."
She says it at the beginning. Before I have even moved an inch because there, still on my mat I've already done the most important thing, I showed up.
Everything I Truly Need
I'm not missing anything.
Everything I have right now is everything I need to be successful. I may have too much. In fact that may be the source of the problem. I have too much pride, too much time on my hands, too many plans and expectations. But I don't have too little.
One look at a day in the life of people struggling in this country, in this world, and I can see plainly that I of all people should never complain that I don't have enough. And if I can't complain about that then how on earth can I say I'm missing out? Perhaps the good things I could have are passing me by because I'm letting them. Maybe I'm even giving them up, forfeiting my own joy, because I'm expecting it to look different.
Lord, if that is the case, I don't want to do that anymore. I do not want to waste another minute mourning, sulking or complaining. I would like to live a life of faith and gratitude. An audacious life in which I assume that everything I truly need I either already possess, or is on its way.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
Everything I have right now is everything I need to be successful. I may have too much. In fact that may be the source of the problem. I have too much pride, too much time on my hands, too many plans and expectations. But I don't have too little.
One look at a day in the life of people struggling in this country, in this world, and I can see plainly that I of all people should never complain that I don't have enough. And if I can't complain about that then how on earth can I say I'm missing out? Perhaps the good things I could have are passing me by because I'm letting them. Maybe I'm even giving them up, forfeiting my own joy, because I'm expecting it to look different.
Lord, if that is the case, I don't want to do that anymore. I do not want to waste another minute mourning, sulking or complaining. I would like to live a life of faith and gratitude. An audacious life in which I assume that everything I truly need I either already possess, or is on its way.
In Jesus' name,
Amen
The Steep
I love tea, like a whole lot and because of this I am almost always drinking a cup. The frequency of one of my favorite pastimes has made me somewhat of a connoisseur, maybe not of tea itself (don't quiz me on whites versus blacks) but of the tea drinking experience. One of the aspects of this hobby is preparation. I know what you're thinking, "It's tea Ina. You boil water then dunk the tea bag, it's not rocket science." But there is an art to tea preparation, and I recently realized, a very important spiritual lesson to be learned from that art. It's called steeping. You pour the water over the bag then close a lid over the mug or pot allowing the tea to saturate the water.
What's the point? Well you know how you drink tea and think "I barely taste anything," then you take the last two sips and think "so that's where all the flavor went!" When I let my tea steep for about two minutes the flavors are more evenly distributed and it makes for a better taste the whole mug-ful through!
I've noticed that when God is teaching me something new He does it in pieces; just the concept first, the shape of the lesson. Then He goes back over it with a sermon, song, book, or conversation and that helps me truly grasp specifics and action items. I love the process because it reassures me of God's love for me, that He would take time to not only teach me something but break it down into parts so that the lesson becomes part of my inner landscape. He isn't just teaching me, He is cultivating me.
After my most recent encounter it occurred to me that there was something I could do to help me lock in these new lessons. I can take a page from my book of tea love and let the lesson steep. I can close the lid on these new thoughts, scriptures, and prayers by being still and quiet with them consistently. This way the flavors of these lessons will be evenly distributed throughout my life. Then, the taste of my life, poured out for Christ will be flavorful, balanced and delicious.
Yummmm,
Ina
What's the point? Well you know how you drink tea and think "I barely taste anything," then you take the last two sips and think "so that's where all the flavor went!" When I let my tea steep for about two minutes the flavors are more evenly distributed and it makes for a better taste the whole mug-ful through!
I've noticed that when God is teaching me something new He does it in pieces; just the concept first, the shape of the lesson. Then He goes back over it with a sermon, song, book, or conversation and that helps me truly grasp specifics and action items. I love the process because it reassures me of God's love for me, that He would take time to not only teach me something but break it down into parts so that the lesson becomes part of my inner landscape. He isn't just teaching me, He is cultivating me.
After my most recent encounter it occurred to me that there was something I could do to help me lock in these new lessons. I can take a page from my book of tea love and let the lesson steep. I can close the lid on these new thoughts, scriptures, and prayers by being still and quiet with them consistently. This way the flavors of these lessons will be evenly distributed throughout my life. Then, the taste of my life, poured out for Christ will be flavorful, balanced and delicious.
Yummmm,
Ina
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Redemption
The thing is, I love Him. Even if I don't always know what that means or can't always anticipate what that will cost. I love Him. In a way that I couldn't possibly love anyone or anything else. And it requires so much more than I could have ever imagined, but oh my it gives! This love, God's love, it gives to the point of overflow.
You can't contain or deny it. It embraces you and wont't let go. It pours out of your eyes and smile and mouth and heart until you don't care what you look like anymore. It wraps you up and holds you close. It pushes you out of the nest then swoops in to catch you just before you fall flat on your face. This love, it lives and breathes. Breathes life and salvation and redemption and freedom.
I would never lie to you, it costs. It costs you everything, but in return for what you give you gain eternity. An eternity like this, loved.
You can't contain or deny it. It embraces you and wont't let go. It pours out of your eyes and smile and mouth and heart until you don't care what you look like anymore. It wraps you up and holds you close. It pushes you out of the nest then swoops in to catch you just before you fall flat on your face. This love, it lives and breathes. Breathes life and salvation and redemption and freedom.
I would never lie to you, it costs. It costs you everything, but in return for what you give you gain eternity. An eternity like this, loved.
Monday, April 13, 2015
Roomies the Show
With the help of a very talented cast and crew we created a glimpse of that story, about one very lost soul and his two very strange guides. Now I want to share that glimpse with all of you, in hopes that you will share it with others.
These characters have kept me company over the last few years and I am so excited to introduce them to the world. Writing this story has made me a true believer in the show's tag line; sometimes being lost is the only way to get found. I hope you all enjoy!
Watch then share:
Trailer
Teaser
Behind the Scenes
Like what you see? Then comment, share with your friends or write us at roomiestheshow@gmail.com.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
101 Ways to Move You With Oooo
Once upon a time there was a girl with a broken heart. One day she turned on the TV to find two beautiful people singing to each other with freedom and excitement that seemed familiar to her. She had to learn more. So she listen to their music, then she listened again, then she couldn't stop listening.
Then a strange and beautiful thing happened; the girl began to hope again. These musicians, these lovers, they were doing something so daring and so extremely rare; they were living their dreams and loving each other out loud and on purpose. Their boldness, wit, and fury made her go back to the closets where she locked away her dreams. She blew away the dust and tried them on again.
The songs of these two beautiful people became the new anthems for this chapter of her life. And she was truly, deeply grateful to them.
Ladies and gentlemen, Jonnyswim.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
The Thing at the Root and the Circle Around It
For a while now I have been struggling with anger. Snapping at people I love, not giving myself much of a break when I mess up, and just being generally uninterested in my life as a whole. I was walking into church this morning and that familiar still small voice said, "The person you have been disgusted with is yourself."
A while ago I asked God to show me who I really was. Dangerous prayer right? But I realized that I was buying into the hype of "Ina the saint" or "Ina the righteous" way too much and before the infamous pride-fall I wanted to be checked. But what God began to reveal to me, or in me, wasn't evil, it was broken. There were/are a million cracks in my heart. Places where time or circumstances or people (including me) have chipped away at me. They rattled me until I began to harden a bit to prevent future cracks.
I know what you're thinking, "Uh, this is a little deep for a Sunday afternoon read." Well hold on to your coffee and throw pillow cause it gets deeper. That was only the fist layer.
Recently God has been revealing the truth about my natural nature. That was even worse. These are things that I am naturally disposed to doing; being passive aggressive and saying hurtful things, or leaving work for someone else to do simply because I don't feel like doing it, pushing people away, hiding within myself because talking about what I am feeling is too complicated or messy. When I saw these things I saw the parts of myself I had been avoiding for so long. The parts that made it easier to buy the hype.
There was no hiding from it anymore. No way that I could push these things away and hope that I could forget them. Seriously, where do you hide from yourself? You could however, if you are used to the standard way of thinking, attempt to punish yourself for your shortcomings by closing yourself off from the things and people that you love most. Not too much of course, but just enough to feel the weight of your failures and "properly repent" for them.
This brings me back to today. I'm walking into church and realizing that even though I didn't consciously make these decisions, it is how I have been living for...I don't know how long. Well as a believer in Jesus and adopted daughter of the living God this will never do. There are three things I have to learn and remember:
1 The things that were revealed about my condition and my nature are all true. I'm absolutely a mess...on my own
2 I'm not on my own anymore. The moment I said "Jesus, I need you and want you in my heart and in my life." I became part of a very powerful family. The hosts of Heaven conspire to protect me, even from myself.
3 The thing about having this knowledge of my shortcomings and God's grace is to not be consumed by focusing on only one part. Yes, I sin and fall short of the glory of God and yes, his grace saves me forever and ever, period. These are non-exclusive truths, one enhances the other.
And then, as He always does, God confirmed our conversation and showed me what to do next, so sweetly might I add.
The sermon: There is a Crack in Everything by David B. Jones
inspired by a song written by Leonard Cohen
Anthem
"forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."
Genius.
In His grace always,
Ina
A while ago I asked God to show me who I really was. Dangerous prayer right? But I realized that I was buying into the hype of "Ina the saint" or "Ina the righteous" way too much and before the infamous pride-fall I wanted to be checked. But what God began to reveal to me, or in me, wasn't evil, it was broken. There were/are a million cracks in my heart. Places where time or circumstances or people (including me) have chipped away at me. They rattled me until I began to harden a bit to prevent future cracks.
I know what you're thinking, "Uh, this is a little deep for a Sunday afternoon read." Well hold on to your coffee and throw pillow cause it gets deeper. That was only the fist layer.
Recently God has been revealing the truth about my natural nature. That was even worse. These are things that I am naturally disposed to doing; being passive aggressive and saying hurtful things, or leaving work for someone else to do simply because I don't feel like doing it, pushing people away, hiding within myself because talking about what I am feeling is too complicated or messy. When I saw these things I saw the parts of myself I had been avoiding for so long. The parts that made it easier to buy the hype.
There was no hiding from it anymore. No way that I could push these things away and hope that I could forget them. Seriously, where do you hide from yourself? You could however, if you are used to the standard way of thinking, attempt to punish yourself for your shortcomings by closing yourself off from the things and people that you love most. Not too much of course, but just enough to feel the weight of your failures and "properly repent" for them.
This brings me back to today. I'm walking into church and realizing that even though I didn't consciously make these decisions, it is how I have been living for...I don't know how long. Well as a believer in Jesus and adopted daughter of the living God this will never do. There are three things I have to learn and remember:
1 The things that were revealed about my condition and my nature are all true. I'm absolutely a mess...on my own
2 I'm not on my own anymore. The moment I said "Jesus, I need you and want you in my heart and in my life." I became part of a very powerful family. The hosts of Heaven conspire to protect me, even from myself.
3 The thing about having this knowledge of my shortcomings and God's grace is to not be consumed by focusing on only one part. Yes, I sin and fall short of the glory of God and yes, his grace saves me forever and ever, period. These are non-exclusive truths, one enhances the other.
And then, as He always does, God confirmed our conversation and showed me what to do next, so sweetly might I add.
The sermon: There is a Crack in Everything by David B. Jones
inspired by a song written by Leonard Cohen
Anthem
"forget your perfect offering
there is a crack in everything
that's how the light gets in..."
Genius.
In His grace always,
Ina
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
What I Gained When I Let Go
Ever since I can remember marriage has definitely been something that I idealized. As I get older this doe-eyed wonder extended to any level of a relationship with a man. Now, after a couple of decades of fantasizing I realized that the biggest flaw in this perfect picture is me.
If you know a tree by its fruit then two imperfect, naturally selfish beings simply cannot produce flawless fruit. So I began a pursuit to make myself less flawed. I can't make myself perfect, but I can at least make myself better; right? I can read the right books, I can see the right movies; and if watching fictional love stories gets to hard I can always cut out movie watching altogether. I'll exercise, I'll fast, I'll spoil myself, I'll take a trip, I'll stay at home; but I won't do the one thing that I know would help the most. I won't give up.
To me, giving up used to mean buying into the idea that the odds are stacked against me. It meant allowing myself to believe that I'm not worthy of the things I want. But the truth is that giving up, the right way, is simply a matter of realizing that I was never really in control in the first place.
There is no way to know what my life will be tomorrow, let alone 5 or 10 years from now. And there is such treasure in valuing each moment no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Thanking God for what I have and trusting Him to provide everything I need; realizing that what I have is enough.
Now, I know how incredibly infuriating that can be to read if you are a fellow single believer, especially if you are on the other side of 25 or 26, but I promise you it is true. I would never lie to you and say it is easy. You will cry to God and your friends a lot. You'll probably take some wrong turns here and there (frustration sometimes makes us unwise); but if you're seeking God all the while then one day you will wake up smiling and realize, "I'm already in love."
If you know a tree by its fruit then two imperfect, naturally selfish beings simply cannot produce flawless fruit. So I began a pursuit to make myself less flawed. I can't make myself perfect, but I can at least make myself better; right? I can read the right books, I can see the right movies; and if watching fictional love stories gets to hard I can always cut out movie watching altogether. I'll exercise, I'll fast, I'll spoil myself, I'll take a trip, I'll stay at home; but I won't do the one thing that I know would help the most. I won't give up.
To me, giving up used to mean buying into the idea that the odds are stacked against me. It meant allowing myself to believe that I'm not worthy of the things I want. But the truth is that giving up, the right way, is simply a matter of realizing that I was never really in control in the first place.
There is no way to know what my life will be tomorrow, let alone 5 or 10 years from now. And there is such treasure in valuing each moment no matter how small or seemingly insignificant. Thanking God for what I have and trusting Him to provide everything I need; realizing that what I have is enough.
Now, I know how incredibly infuriating that can be to read if you are a fellow single believer, especially if you are on the other side of 25 or 26, but I promise you it is true. I would never lie to you and say it is easy. You will cry to God and your friends a lot. You'll probably take some wrong turns here and there (frustration sometimes makes us unwise); but if you're seeking God all the while then one day you will wake up smiling and realize, "I'm already in love."
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Identity
When Gepetto made Pinocchio he wasn’t making a puppet; he was making a son. So when he becomes human he isn’t becoming something that he is not. He is becoming something that he was always intended to be.
I think that sometimes when people look at believers they see a Pinocchio, a puppet. What they fail to see, and what we often forget to see, is that a puppet may be what we are for the time being, but it isn’t who we are. We, like Pinocchio, are children masterfully crafted by a loving creator. Sons…and daughters.
I think that sometimes when people look at believers they see a Pinocchio, a puppet. What they fail to see, and what we often forget to see, is that a puppet may be what we are for the time being, but it isn’t who we are. We, like Pinocchio, are children masterfully crafted by a loving creator. Sons…and daughters.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Things I Learned in Honduras Part 2
Lesson 3: You don't need a lot of resources to get things done, just some willing people.
Lesson 4:God speaks to me often, but I am seldom listening. Sometimes I need to move closer.
Lesson 5: Trust yourself and others enough to show them who you really are. Present the authenticity that you want to receive.
Lesson 6: Mountains can bring immense perspective and clarity. It's the real life application of lifting your eyes to the hills. They do wonders for the spirit.
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To be continued...
Lesson 4:God speaks to me often, but I am seldom listening. Sometimes I need to move closer.
Lesson 5: Trust yourself and others enough to show them who you really are. Present the authenticity that you want to receive.
Lesson 6: Mountains can bring immense perspective and clarity. It's the real life application of lifting your eyes to the hills. They do wonders for the spirit.
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To be continued...
Monday, February 18, 2013
Things I Learned in Honduras Part 1
The next few entries will be chock-full of lessons I learned on my trip to Honduras. Some humorous, but all very important. I hope you enjoy:
Lesson 1:Good work ethic does not speak a language.
When people are working toward a common goal they need only watch each other attentively and listen for clues to see what the other needs. I helped build chimneys, mix and transport cement, and build latrines all without speaking the same language as 80% of the people that I was working with.
Truth? Sometimes not being able to talk is a blessing. I learned so much by just watching and listening; not so much to what was being said, but more to how it was being said. Language barrier and all the people of Olancho taught me what it means to work hard. They showed me how to create work that I can be proud of, and how to make the most of my time. They taught me what truly creative solutions look like, and I am eternally grateful to each one of them.
Lesson 2: Just because a guy gives you the eye, it doesn't mean he's going to come over.
I learned this very valuable lesson from a beautiful infant boy named Lucca. My second to last day in the village in Olancho I worked with a family to help them build their latrine. The youngest boy Lucca and I played pick a boo from about 10 feet way. He giggled and even decided to mix things up by hiding behind a tree. Every time he caught my eye I thought, this handsome little guy is only moments away from coming over and playing some patty cake with me. He even learned my name (in Olancho everyone calls me Ana), and proceeded to repeat it excessively. By this time all of his friends, family, and neighbors are encouraging to come over to me and say hi. But after an hour and a half of hide and seek Lucca never did. I snapped a picture of him posing with a friend and we said our goodbyes from a smaller distance of about 3 feet. I never got a hug, he never came over to shake my hand or play patty cake with me. But you know what? I have no regrets. That was one of the best hours of hide and seek I ever had, it was more than enough. Thank you Lucca.
Lesson 1:Good work ethic does not speak a language.
When people are working toward a common goal they need only watch each other attentively and listen for clues to see what the other needs. I helped build chimneys, mix and transport cement, and build latrines all without speaking the same language as 80% of the people that I was working with.
Truth? Sometimes not being able to talk is a blessing. I learned so much by just watching and listening; not so much to what was being said, but more to how it was being said. Language barrier and all the people of Olancho taught me what it means to work hard. They showed me how to create work that I can be proud of, and how to make the most of my time. They taught me what truly creative solutions look like, and I am eternally grateful to each one of them.
Lesson 2: Just because a guy gives you the eye, it doesn't mean he's going to come over.
I learned this very valuable lesson from a beautiful infant boy named Lucca. My second to last day in the village in Olancho I worked with a family to help them build their latrine. The youngest boy Lucca and I played pick a boo from about 10 feet way. He giggled and even decided to mix things up by hiding behind a tree. Every time he caught my eye I thought, this handsome little guy is only moments away from coming over and playing some patty cake with me. He even learned my name (in Olancho everyone calls me Ana), and proceeded to repeat it excessively. By this time all of his friends, family, and neighbors are encouraging to come over to me and say hi. But after an hour and a half of hide and seek Lucca never did. I snapped a picture of him posing with a friend and we said our goodbyes from a smaller distance of about 3 feet. I never got a hug, he never came over to shake my hand or play patty cake with me. But you know what? I have no regrets. That was one of the best hours of hide and seek I ever had, it was more than enough. Thank you Lucca.
Learning to Serve
So I'm on a plane in route to Honduras for my first mission trip. Truth be told I'm a little nervous. What will be expected of me? What does it mean to be the hands and feet of Christ? I had been praying about these questions for awhile before the trip but I think I knew that I couldn't really learn or even hear the answers; I would have to live them. So, I pull out my copy of the book that our group leaders recommended, Toxic Charity by Robert D. Lupton, in an attempt to get a little more perspective. Boy, did I ever. Ten pages in I was twice as confused about what I was supposed to be doing. Confused in a perfectly wonderful way, that made me want to dig deeper and draw closer to Christ.
I absolutely recommend this book for anyone who plans to work with charitable organizations. Whether or not the organization is religiously affiliated , this book shines some light on the fact that most charitable efforts, despite the best intentions, often cause harm to the very people they are attempting to help. What I recognized in the book's examples and in my own life is a need to try and be a savior instead of attempting to be more like Him.
Think of it like teaching; the best teachers don't do the work for their students, they teach them how to do the work themselves. They teach them to solve problems on their own, they help them learn. And the absolutely phenomenal teachers know that the best way to teach is by learning from your students what they need. Sure, it's more time consuming and it takes much more energy but, its the only way to create lasting change. Its the only way to truly help others.
I absolutely recommend this book for anyone who plans to work with charitable organizations. Whether or not the organization is religiously affiliated , this book shines some light on the fact that most charitable efforts, despite the best intentions, often cause harm to the very people they are attempting to help. What I recognized in the book's examples and in my own life is a need to try and be a savior instead of attempting to be more like Him.
Think of it like teaching; the best teachers don't do the work for their students, they teach them how to do the work themselves. They teach them to solve problems on their own, they help them learn. And the absolutely phenomenal teachers know that the best way to teach is by learning from your students what they need. Sure, it's more time consuming and it takes much more energy but, its the only way to create lasting change. Its the only way to truly help others.
Friday, September 21, 2012
A Father's Love
Sometimes, well maybe most times, I believe that God patiently waits for us to finish our temper tantrums. We kick and scream and cry about our heartbreaks while God sits and waits for us, usually out of sight, but never far away, until we're finished. While we are breathless and exhausted, He gently approaches, brushes the hair from our faces, then drying our eyes, He whispers "Come with me." And I love how He always, without fail, always shows us something beautiful!
I'm reading The Shack right now and without telling much of anything I'll admit there is one such (and I expect several other) moments just like this. It occurred to me that there are so many examples of this tantrum and release in the bible. I think of David being pursued by Saul, Abraham and Sarah waiting on their promised son, and even one my favorite stories Elijah on mount Horeb.
Exhausted, frustrated, and alone Elijah heads to mount Horeb to get clarity from God on just what is going on. 1 Kings 19 opens with Elijah being threatened by the king's wife Jezebel. Afraid, he flees to the mountain where he weeps himself to sleep to be awakened by an angel who gives him food and drink, and tells him to go back to sleep, twice. I love this story because it is a clear picture of His heart for us, not as a scary an ominous God, but as a tender and patient Father. In fact I think that is what most of these stories have in common.
So then I began to think about all of the stories that weren't in the bible but I sense were there. I thought about women like Sarah and Elizabeth who were well past the age of menopause believing that God was going to keep His promise to them and make them mothers. I thought about Joseph in that prison, wondering if this cell meant that God had forgotten about him and His promise for him.
We have this image in our mind of faith as this stoic or maybe even Stepford-esque joy, complete with plastered on smiles and well prepared religious responses, but what if God is saying "I am a big enough Father to handle your temper tantrums. I don't stop loving you when you get frustrated, I don't take my promises back when you collapse in anger or weariness or fear. Tell me your troubles I want to hear everything. I only ask that when you bring them, you leave them."
Have you ever finished a really good cry and felt empty like "That's it, there's nothing else, I literally cried my guts out." I think that those are the moments that God says "Great! Now I can pour into you." Isn't that tremendous! That He takes all that sorrow pain and anguish and reveals something greater through all of it. I love Him!
Dear Abba,
Thank you for Your patience with us. Thank you for never leaving us alone, for crying with us, and when we're done, picking us up. Give us the courage to cry and surrender to You because we understand that You desire a broken and contrite heart more than sacrifice. We love you, honor and praise You even (and especially) through tears. In Jesus' name we pray,
Amen
I'm reading The Shack right now and without telling much of anything I'll admit there is one such (and I expect several other) moments just like this. It occurred to me that there are so many examples of this tantrum and release in the bible. I think of David being pursued by Saul, Abraham and Sarah waiting on their promised son, and even one my favorite stories Elijah on mount Horeb.
Exhausted, frustrated, and alone Elijah heads to mount Horeb to get clarity from God on just what is going on. 1 Kings 19 opens with Elijah being threatened by the king's wife Jezebel. Afraid, he flees to the mountain where he weeps himself to sleep to be awakened by an angel who gives him food and drink, and tells him to go back to sleep, twice. I love this story because it is a clear picture of His heart for us, not as a scary an ominous God, but as a tender and patient Father. In fact I think that is what most of these stories have in common.
So then I began to think about all of the stories that weren't in the bible but I sense were there. I thought about women like Sarah and Elizabeth who were well past the age of menopause believing that God was going to keep His promise to them and make them mothers. I thought about Joseph in that prison, wondering if this cell meant that God had forgotten about him and His promise for him.
We have this image in our mind of faith as this stoic or maybe even Stepford-esque joy, complete with plastered on smiles and well prepared religious responses, but what if God is saying "I am a big enough Father to handle your temper tantrums. I don't stop loving you when you get frustrated, I don't take my promises back when you collapse in anger or weariness or fear. Tell me your troubles I want to hear everything. I only ask that when you bring them, you leave them."
Have you ever finished a really good cry and felt empty like "That's it, there's nothing else, I literally cried my guts out." I think that those are the moments that God says "Great! Now I can pour into you." Isn't that tremendous! That He takes all that sorrow pain and anguish and reveals something greater through all of it. I love Him!
Dear Abba,
Thank you for Your patience with us. Thank you for never leaving us alone, for crying with us, and when we're done, picking us up. Give us the courage to cry and surrender to You because we understand that You desire a broken and contrite heart more than sacrifice. We love you, honor and praise You even (and especially) through tears. In Jesus' name we pray,
Amen
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