All I Want for Christmas

Do we miss it? Our treasure is often laid in such humble packaging; do we miss it because we are looking for something bigger? Something shinny and bright when often times what saves, what redeems, what heals is small, seemingly insignificant, maybe homeless or broken. It is something the world has forgotten.

Every time I hear Brandon Heath’s Just a Girl tears fill the backs of my eyes and flow with such freedom because I can’t help but think, how many times did I encounter it this year and not notice? Christ’s mercy as a hug from a stranger, His grace as a smile from my little cousins, His love as a trial that made me stronger. It seems so little at the time you’re tempted to pass it by, but there’s a pull somewhere deep in your stomach that says “I know this is something more. I don’t know how, but I know.” That’s what I want this Christmas, the ability to see these moments, these people for what they really are. In real time, right when it’s happening to show the gratitude, joy and delight due to God for them. I want worship, everyday. To be in communion with Him, celebrating all the little, humble, small, seemingly insignificant ways He reveals Himself to us each day. To witness the girl, the babe, the King and give glory to God because finally, I recognize them.

Amen.

My Friends the Gilmore Girls

When I was in high school I didn’t really have much time to keep up with Gilmore Girls. I mean I watched it but not really consistently, because if I wasn't in rehearsals at school I was in rehearsals outside of school. When I was in neither of those places I was probably performing in one of them. I’m kind of a purist when it comes to film and TV, I believe in watching things in order, if I couldn't do that then I didn't watch at all. For this reason I didn’t really get to completely fall in love with the show till college. A friend bought me a season and I was so hooked after that I ended up buying the entire show on DVD, complete with super cute packing case and book of Gilmorisms (didn't make that up, it's actually called that). I’m glad I started it when I was older though. Somehow I think that some of the subtly of the humor and conflict, would have gone over my head.



Last night, I was able to get together with some of my favorite characters for the first time in over a decade and the timing felt exactly right again. I credit the Palladino’s. I think the reason so many people loved this show, and why so many people will be moved by this new chapter is connection. If you're like me we grew with these characters, laughed, cried, and threw tantrums with them. And as I watched these newest episodes I realized I struggled with them too. Maybe not in the same way at the same time, but I understand what it is to feel lost in your own life. Afraid you’re a ship just floating aimlessly. Wondering if you’re too afraid to admit you’re too afraid to chase after the life you truly want. That’s what this show did, what it’s doing now, it screams “See, you’re not alone.” In fact my aunt used to ask about Rory as if she were one of my classmates. She tracked the year of my graduation from high school and college with her’s. She felt Rory reminded her of me, or I reminded her of Rory (one or the other), that’s how familiar the character felt. How connected people, some of whom didn’t even watch the show consistently, felt to these characters. There is strength in that. Life changing, dream affirming power in helping people know there are people in the world who are just as lost as they are, and have just as much fun and strife finding their way.


Thank you for that Amy Sherman-Palladino,


Ina

Albums That Are Changing Me: Where The Light Shines Through

That feeling you know a seed must be feeling as it cracks open and the sprout works it's way free. This sounds like that.

Let's unpack that, see what I did there? You know it must be painful, forcing your way through to the light. But the pain has so much purpose that you almost find yourself smiling through it. Pleased to be enduring the process, because anything that hurts this wonderfully must be absolutely worth it.

Switchfoot's Where the Light Shines Through, there is so much here. Beautiful. I never know how scared I am till I hear my courage questioned/encouraged to a fantastic rock soundtrack, and they always deliver. I'm still not over the marvel of Hello Hurricane or the melancholy of Vice Verses (the albums and the songs). I grew up to these albums. Driving down dark two lane roads, weeping. So happy to be free of my sadness. And just like I grew up to those albums, I am growing stronger to this one. Peeling back layers of hurt and static, waving hello again to the dreamer I once knew. She's a little weary, a little worse for the wear, but also a lot better too. After all "the wound is where the light shines through."

Thank you Switchfoot...again,

Ina

Albums That Are Changing Me: Georgica Pond

Without knowing it I’ve spent the better part of the last few years trying hard not to feel, so much. I’m a woman, a believer, and an artist. I feel A LOT and often. It’s one of those things that people who don’t necessarily do, or do anymore, congratulate you on or make you swear not to give up. But these people, even if they’re right and their intentions are pure, they don’t know what they’re asking. It goes far beyond being sad or openly, awkwardly happy. It’s being brave enough to be alone when no one respects, understands, or feels what you feel.

Today, for the first time in a very long time, listening to Johnnyswim’s Georgica Pond I felt justified in feeling- really feeling. Loss, love, hope, friendship, awe and wonder and all of the experiences that bring these treasures they are a gift, and it’s worth it when your heart gets broken because the crack and sting and pang and pinch remind you that you are very much alive. Not feeling, numbness, it is death. And as long as there is air in my lungs, and rhythm in my chest I owe it to my Abba, my ancestors, and myself to live.


Here’s to a life full of feeling. Let it matter.


Ina

Loss

The first time you lose someone it's overwhelming. Like hyperventilating; you try and try to catch your breath but you can't. Only instead of air it's reality you're gasping for. This paralyzing feeling that "This can't be true." This first experience is staggering, it stays with you. Lingers in your mind to help you keep mere sad events in perspective. But over time, as the losses grow in number there begins to be, a weariness. Sadness yes, but so much more than just that. The more people you lose, the more familiar with loss you become, there begins to be a weariness.

I never understood why in movies or on television a man or woman would hear bad news, take a few steps and then collapse. It was a striking image and I could in some small way fathom why having your heartbroken could take the wind from one's sails, literally. But I don't think I fully grasped that kind of tiredness, until tonight. It's almost like being a time traveler feeling loss in three different times. Every loss you felt once springs to mind and suddenly you realize that this loss like the ones before it won't be the last.

To live in this fading world is to lose. Everything about this world is meant to end. This, is not eternity. I think it's something about that realization. Something about feeling all those moments again and for the first time, all at once. Suddenly you're more tired than you've ever been and you just want rest.

For me I've noticed grief comes in waves. I'll bawl for 40 seconds, then there's stillness and calm. I'm almost normal again. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, an hour or a year goes by and all of a sudden I remember the time paradox that is grief. The wave returns, I weep and empty myself out before God. Then calm again. Sometimes He'll distract me with a thought or dream some person whose face in my mind I can't refuse, or memory that tickles me to laughter so loud it breaks through the tears. Sometimes it's a dream that anchors me and keeps me from drifting in the sea of sadness. But He always comes. Reminds me of the joy of this life. How every moment is a gift. One that I should use to honor the lives and dreams and joy of those I lost. Those who can't finish what they started here. So I have to, for them. I owe it to them.

Selah

Stop Where You Are...and Smell the Roses

There's a concept in a new Corinne Bailey Rae song (possibly the whole album) that I hope to discover more of in my own life. The song is called "Stop Where You Are" and what I get from it is the idea of allowing yourself to fully take in the moments, things and people that strike you. Not hanging on exactly, but more like enjoy...no savoring the time however long or little. And I never thought of patience like that, until now.

What if when God whispers to be "Be patient" or "Not yet" it is really an invitation to enjoy, or if I can't because the moment thing or people are not at all enjoyable, embrace or take a break or pause or pray? What if those moments in my life where God demands patience of me aren't about just waiting, not idly? What if I'm there to notice something or pay closer attention to someone. Maybe the pause is just a rest, one I didn't even know I needed. I wouldn't have know either if He hadn't given me a little push. What if patience, is really about worship? Mmmmmm.

Finding that quiet calm inside yourself that whispers "God, I love you," and "Lord, I trust you." Sometimes we forget we know that. Or maybe not forget exactly, it's more like loosing your keys or phone. You know that truth is around here somewhere, but you just can't seem to find it anywhere. Your mind races and you turn the whole house over frantically searching for what you lost. 2 minutes, 2 hrs, or 2 weeks later when your mind is calmer, full of something completely different it happens. Once you've taken a deep breath and retraced your steps, or laughed so hard you forgot what you were looking for, or got lost in blissful thought about something so much more important, then and not a moment before does the thing you were searching for seem to reveal itself to you. Maybe even in a place you "swore you remember looking."

Perhaps in that space between what we long for and the miraculous reveal patience is how we choose to spend that time. Loose yourself in the moment, laugh, meditate on what is truly important and the time will go before you know it, and you will be better for how you spent it.

Thank you God of time and space who is never a second too early or late. Help us to remember Your sovereignty. We needn't fear running out of time when we serve the God who created it. Help us follow your lead in Jesus name, Amen.

Pain as Progress

So I started excising again this week! When I went to sit down today I felt that sore shakiness in my legs, arms and back. I really missed that. The soreness. My friend Salone and I used to have this running joke as dancers, "Ah, hurts so good." But today I understood that pain is a return on an investment.

That soreness the day after my hour of Yoga or Pilates it's a receipt for a deposit I made in my life for myself. Feeling it is proof that I worked, that I tried. Even if I didn't get every move right or couldn't hold every pose, or I could only do 10 of the 20 crunches I showed up. I gave all I could. And now my muscles are saying "Woo! That was crazy! But thank you." One day every place that is sore will be stronger, healthier, and glowing with gratitude for the work.

There is this thing one of my yoga videos says and I love hearing it, because every time I do I realize how important it is in every area, not just exercise.

"Honor your effort to come to your practice today."

She says it at the beginning. Before I have even moved an inch because there, still on my mat I've already done the most important thing, I showed up.

Everything I Truly Need

I'm not missing anything.

Everything I have right now is everything I need to be successful. I may have too much. In fact that may be the source of the problem. I have too much pride, too much time on my hands, too many plans and expectations. But I don't have too little.

One look at a day in the life of people struggling in this country, in this world, and I can see plainly that I of all people should never complain that I don't have enough. And if I can't complain about that then how on earth can I say I'm missing out? Perhaps the good things I could have are passing me by because I'm letting them. Maybe I'm even giving them up, forfeiting my own joy, because I'm expecting it to look different.

Lord, if that is the case, I don't want to do that anymore. I do not want to waste another minute mourning, sulking or complaining. I would like to live a life of faith and gratitude. An audacious life in which I assume that everything I truly need I either already possess, or is on its way.

In Jesus' name,

Amen

The Steep

I love tea, like a whole lot and because of this I am almost always drinking a cup. The frequency of one of my favorite pastimes has made me somewhat of a connoisseur, maybe not of tea itself (don't quiz me on whites versus blacks) but of the tea drinking experience. One of the aspects of this hobby is preparation. I know what you're thinking, "It's tea Ina. You boil water then dunk the tea bag, it's not rocket science." But there is an art to tea preparation, and I recently realized, a very important spiritual lesson to be learned from that art. It's called steeping. You pour the water over the bag then close a lid over the mug or pot allowing the tea to saturate the water.

What's the point? Well you know how you drink tea and think "I barely taste anything," then you take the last two sips and think "so that's where all the flavor went!" When I let my tea steep for about two minutes the flavors are more evenly distributed and it makes for a better taste the whole mug-ful through!

I've noticed that when God is teaching me something new He does it in pieces; just the concept first, the shape of the lesson. Then He goes back over it with a sermon, song, book, or conversation and that helps me truly grasp specifics and action items. I love the process because it reassures me of God's love for me, that He would take time to not only teach me something but break it down into parts so that the lesson becomes part of my inner landscape. He isn't just teaching me, He is cultivating me.

After my most recent encounter it occurred to me that there was something I could do to help me lock in these new lessons. I can take a page from my book of tea love and let the lesson steep. I can close the lid on these new thoughts, scriptures, and prayers by being still and quiet with them consistently. This way the flavors of these lessons will be evenly distributed throughout my life. Then, the taste of my life, poured out for Christ will be flavorful, balanced and delicious.

Yummmm,

Ina